Fun Pre-Reboot Retcongeddon Thread

[miokalia]

[[[Since we're doing a universe-wide reboot in a couple days, I thought I'd make a thread for general weirdness, sillyness, or maybe even 11th-hour resolution or other Epiloguery desires. And go!]]]

[miokalia]

Andertol said, "Itka, I have a secret to tell you", as he tore off all of his clothes in a single motion.

Itka, incapable of really making much of an expression since she's got a fixed mouth said, "Oh what."

Andertol then pelvic thrusted his way over to her and said, "I'm might be gay! Bwwaaaa hahahahaha."

Itka shrugged and said, "Yeah, well I like doing meaty things. MEEEAAATTT!"

They then yiffed and exploded.


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Civil Defense Bulletin via lots of news stations:

Attention citizens:
The universe is going to be doing some scheduled maintainence and refitting which will result in extensive retroactive continuity. This maintainence likely will not cause most of you any inconvenience as your existence is smoothly transitioned onto the new braneworld (I just punched myself for referrencing string-theory cosmology) or cosmic media. Once there, you won't even realize it happened.
Now, for Malych, unfortunately, you're all going to wake up as something different and perhaps nothing at all like you were, and for that, we apologize.

Now every fuzzy, scaly, feathery or clanky; man, woman, transgendered, androgyne and child: take up your arms: As there is apparently going to be one, last, great international cheese battle before the transition.



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"Regarding our upcoming eschatological migration...", Doron said to the apparently inexplicably gathered System Equasion team.
"I guess I should resolve a few things before something incredibly weird happens:
To start off: I discovered why I swallow things whole. Random things. Specifically, things with mass."

"You do what?!" screamed Lipner in terror.

"Nevermind that, pretend you all know already. It's the end of the fucking world for some of us damn it! Let me get this out there:", said Doron who then lit up another cigarette and jammed it into one of the fenestrae of his necroborg skull.
"Despite my dracolich appearence, there is nothing paranormal or metaphysical about me at all.

As it turns out, I am exotic degenerated matter. Apparently the C-Box experiment a long time ago turned me into something like a collapsed stellar remnant. Like a neutron star."

"Oh fucksticks", exclaimed Fran which took everyone by surprize.

"Except", said Doron while sticking yet another lit cigarette in yet another fenestrae of his bony head, "At the atomic level, my entire body, plus a extra marginal aura within it, is made of Pucons and Harinos. Which is why every time I'm near equipment that does stuff with those, I get smaller. Because I'm loosing my bits.

Which brings me to my next thing:"

Doron paused to stick 2 more lit cigarettes into other fenestrae of his skull, he was now beginning to look like The Birthday Cake of Hades.
"Despite the fact I've gone out of my way to offend you all and be a total douche and/or toolbox:
I actually care very much about all of you.
I really wish I hadn't of gone into that C-box all those years ago. Because now I'm faced with a kind of horrifically unforgiving existentialism which makes it very difficult to make relationships with people. But I'm not Captain Manhattan from the Clockpeople or whatever..."

"Doctor Manhattan from Watchmen?", corrected Lipner.

"Whatever... I mean. Yes. Thank you. I'm sorry", Doron shoved an entire pack of lit cigarettes into his prickly body nose,
"I still think like a person. There's no other choice really. What else is there? The universe?
The universe is shaped by two things: Mechanistic happenstance and people. And mechanistic happenstance is not something you can hold, you can talk to or you can love like you can another person.

My entire life has been a haphazard attempt to stay clinging to people, even as this curse has presented me with an unresolvable terror."

Doron ran out of places to put cigarettes, so he was stuck just holding one now.

"I'm sorry I rag on you all the time, Ryuqi. I've always considered you a real person, and I'm happy that you and Lipner have found eachother. If it weren't for some of the things which might happen to you in the process of our upcoming eschatological migration, you two would be a very cute couple.", he said.


Sana said, "There isn't anything in the folios (yet) about this kind of thing. So there really is no telling what might happen to any of us. Nobody knows."



---------------------------------




Qualt spent about 12 hours straight just pouring nasty bottom-shelf brandy into his pointy, Pteramanderoid mouth (and then having it basically pour out the other side all over the place since it doesn't actually have an esophagus to take it anywhere)
He really hadn't planned for this kind of bizzare, universe-shifting thing happening when he was around, or pretty much ever.

Napoleon Bonaparte appeared, who was apparently a fluffy pink deinonychus antirrhopus in a manner just as inexplicably as his appearence in the same room as the hulking pointy robot dragon that is Qualt.

"What the fuck?", he said. In Chinese.

"In two days", Qualt said in a state of extreme simulated alcoholic refreshment, "I'm going to be a tree!"

"I demand to know what is going on. What kind of bizzare trickery is this?", Napoleon blabbered in modern Mandarin apparently.

"You're lucky, Captain Crunch.", Qualt pointed a mechanical digit of a robot claw towards Napoleon, "You probably get to remain a person through this collision of universes or whatever the hell it is."

"My name is Napoleon Bonaparte! I am the emporer of France! I demand to know what is going on here. Who is controlling this eccentric carnival show apparatus!", Napeoleon snapped in Mandarin with native-like fluency.

"A word of advice, don't be a robot during a cosmic event which severely alters causality." He dumped another half-gallon of shit brandy into his mouth which splashed out and all over the linoleum floor. "You know what, don't be anything during this kind of thing.
You might wake up tomorrow and find that you've become a feathery pink pillow. You kind of look a bit like one already."

"I demand you release me at once! Where are you. Come out from the curtain so I may expectorate at you with disrespect!
What is this apparatus? Show yourself, coward!", Napoleon continued barking in a remarkably flourid Chinese diction not done justice by the quotation here.

Qualt asked Napoleon,
"Are you even aware that you're an impossibly overplummaged avosaurian with neon pink feathers?", but then the same exotic crumbling causality continuum which deposited him there in that form, removed him from the premises in a flash of various assorted photons. Some of them were strawberry flavored.